


I fake my breaking smile

by NarryEm



Series: One Real Thing You've Ever Known [3]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Dark Niall, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Hallucinations, M/M, Psychological Drama, Schizophrenia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-25
Updated: 2015-11-25
Packaged: 2018-03-30 12:21:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3936565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NarryEm/pseuds/NarryEm
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s weird.  I am not a real person that exists in the traditional sense and yet, this thing called a consciousness exists separately for me.  I'm not real in the conventional sense but here I am.  Alive if only inside of Harry's head.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I fake my breaking smile

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Hazey by Glass Animals
> 
> The long-awaited (?) continuation of my [One Real Thing You’ve Ever Known](%E2%80%9D) series. I need to come up with short series titles, hehe. So yeah, if you remember how the story knows, then you know that it’s only gonna get more fucked up. Special thanks to [bestie97](%E2%80%9D) for the kind words. I’m sorry for all the exposition but it sorta helps with the plot.
> 
> Also, if you don’t quite understand the Freudian personality theory, in a nutshell, he thought that our personalities were divided into reason (ego), restraint (super-ego) and instinct (id). Google is your best friend, haha. Idea of the id having its own personality comes from a yaoi game called DRAMAtical Murder . . . . And before this gets too long, I took tonnes of artistic liberty with the schizophrenia and DID bit, sorry. Trust me it pains me to fudge the facts as a psych major.

Niall wades through the murky pools of Harry’s unconscious mind. He has been doing that frequently as of late, drifting in and out of Harry’s world, conscious or otherwise, and taunting him. Right now, Harry is asleep and has zero guards up, making everything so much easier for Niall.

The idiots at the hospital made a misdiagnosis. Whilst Harry showed symptoms of severe schizophrenia, they forgot to factor in his sightings of Niall and dismissed Niall’s presence as a hallucination.

Only if it were that simple.

There were times in Harry’s early life when Harry had those imaginary friends, like all young kids do. And just like all kids, Harry had forgotten all about his friend Niall by the time he was old enough to realise that he was just talking to himself to an outside onlooker. But ‘Niall’ didn’t fade away. He stayed. He listened. He saw. He was a part of Harry that Harry never knew existed. Niall hasn’t got a clear idea as to why his manifestations included an Irish nationality but he doesn’t really care, so.

The hallucinations were perhaps a mere side effect to Niall’s existence and the disharmony that his presence brought to Harry’s mind. After all, Niall was the personification of basic human instincts that some would argue are less than humane. He coaxed Harry into dreaming about awful things and Harry would have listened if not for the meddling of his so-called friends. The same friends that never paid Harry a visit once he was shipped away.

Niall halts in his steps when he comes across a ‘memory’ of Harry’s. The human mind is a delicate and complex structure, held together by fragile bonds that could serve to be tough at times. The memory presents itself in the form of a bubble and Niall knows that if he were to burst it, he would be drawn into the memory alongside the part of the mind that belongs in Harry’s consciousness.

He reaches out and pokes at it.

The sensation is something that Niall can never get used to. The 'bubble' pops open and a million little droplets hover mid-air for a prolonged second before it explodes and envelops Niall’s body. Bright flashes of light dance across Niall’s eyelids until they settle into a scene.

Ah yes. It’s the ‘memory’ of the day when Niall first broke through and met Harry. Here’s the tricky thing: he knows that the mental struggles caused a part of the schizophrenia and its hallucinations but if he asserts too much of himself into Harry’s hallucinations or his waking mind, the part of his mind that is supposed to keep Harry’s mind in check will bat Niall away like a bug.

So he kept at it like a battering ram until Harry’s psyche was too weakened to put up much of a resistance. Sure, it would have been more satisfying to take over his body but that was a lot of effort and small victories were just as satisfying.

Generally, it was easier to fuck with Harry’s mind when he is sleeping as his guards are down and very vulnerable. Like right now. Harry has another episode and they had to inject him with an overdose of morphine, causing him to sleep for the better part of the next day or so. Once the memory fades away back into the dark chaos that is Harry’s mind, Niall continues his stroll. Harry often dreams about his childhood in his sleep, and Niall suspects that a lot of it has to do with nostalgia. After all, that was the only time when Harry was still wholly himself and not someone who people avoided.

Slipping into Harry’s dream is slightly trickier than just observing his memories. He has to delve deeper into Harry’s unconscious first and wade through all the repressed thoughts and urges until the part where the dreams occur is left wide open.

“Hello,” Niall purrs as he steps into Harry’s dream. It’s a pleasant one, the one where Harry attended Coachella with his mates several months before his admittance and he got to see many of his favourite bands and singers. It was also the time when Niall got the free reign most often, Harry’s emotions heightened with the festival atmosphere and the plethora of drugs and alcohol.

Harry, still laughing at what Louis’ said, turns around. The sun shines brightly down upon them, turning Harry’s eyes a bright shade of green. “Hi.” In the dream world, Harry isn’t aware of who Niall is half the time, which makes everything even better for Niall.

“You’re not from around here, are ya?” Niall asks, smiling back.

A flirtatious look flashes in Harry’s eyes and Niall knows that it’s a finished game already. ‘Neither are you, Mr Irishman.”

“Mind if you showed me around? I just got here meself yesterday and this is fecking huge.”

Harry laughs. “My pleasure.”

“Niall,” he introduces himself.

“Harry,” Harry replies. Niall has to hide a smirk that is threatening to arise on his face.

“So have you ever been to California before?” Harry asks as they had to a nearby food place.

“Not to this part,” Niall answers with a shrug. “Been to Six Flags and Disneyland and that’s about it. I personally prefer staying at home. Lazy bones through and through.”

Harry laughs. “You and my mate Zayn would get along so well. Unless he’s got school, he sleeps in well past noon every day and we had to literally drag his arse to the airport. It didn’t help that the flight was an early morning one as well. Who’s awake enough to pilot a plane at six in the morning anyway?”

“That must have been hell,” Niall goes for a sympathetic wrinkle of his nose. “Especially since you must have had to wake up two hours before the flight.”

“Exactly,” Harry pouts. Niall’s seen Harry’s reflections plenty of times but this ‘real-life’ version is definitely cuter. “There is a great burger place not too far from here and I think my friends buggered off for beer. We can meet up with them later if you’d like.”

“That’s lovely,” Niall flashes him the most innocent smile he can muster. “I’ve decided to spend the day apart from me brother and I can see that it was a decision well made.”

Harry gets that cute twinkle in his eyes that makes it painfully obvious that he is far too gone for Niall already. “You’re cute,” is all he mumbles.

“So are you. I guess we’re even.”

Now all Niall has got left to do is wait for the right moment to shatter this dream. Perhaps when Harry tries to kiss him or something pathetic like that. Human mind and nature is wondrous like that.

The burger is nice, as the majority of this happy little scenario is based on the reconstruction of Harry’s memories. It strikes the balance between sloppy and well put-together. Harry isn’t known for being the neatest person and as expected, he gets some of the sauce on his cheek.

“You’ve got a little,” Niall points out the spot. It’s cute to watch Harry pretty much paw at himself in an attempt to wipe it off and miss it at every opportunity. With a smile on his face, Niall leans forwards and licks the dab of sauce off Harry’s cheek. Predictably, Harry’s entire face flushes pink.

“Th-thanks,” he stutters.

“It was my pleasure,” Niall replies with a wink.

“Ah . . . .”

The rest of the lunch goes by silently and Niall is honestly bored. He slithered into this particular memory with the intention of fucking with Harry’s reason and all he’s done so far is endure Harry making moony eyes at him. _Change of tactics then_ , he thinks.

“Where are we going?” Harry inquires as Niall starts to drag him away from the crowds people and into a shadow by a trailer in the parking lot. He brushes his lips along Harry’s jaw, his cheek, and then finally his lips without an explanation. It’s adorable and pathetic how Harry seems to melt into the kiss. He knows that Harry was a virgin—and still is, physically—but this is too much.

“This,” Niall answers when they pull apart. “Been meaning to do this for a while.”

“Rea-really?” Harry’s green eyes widen and Niall can’t wait to see them fill up with despair. Soon, he promises himself.

“Of course. You’re too cute for your own good, y’know?” He takes Harry’s hand and interlocks their fingers. “C’mon, let’s go somewhere more private.”

Niall half-drags, half-leads Harry to a nearby empty tent. It stinks faintly of weed but he doesn’t mind it. Harry looks nervous as Niall sits down on the air mattress in the centre and pats the space next to him. The brunet sits down obediently, albeit leaving an inch or two of space in-between them.

“You’re cute,” Niall repeats. He loops his arms around Harry’s neck and pulls him in for a kiss, this time with more force behind it. Harry is practically flailing around before he settles into it, parting his lips so that Niall can tease him further. The little moans that he lets out only fuels Niall desire to mess him up. So he slips a hand down until he can lift up the hem of Harry’s shirt. Harry gasps when Niall’s cold fingertips brush along his abs, slowly making his way to the nipples. Niall can feel it when Harry shivers delicately. He deepens the kiss, running the tip of his tongue along the edges of Harry’s teeth and then pushing against Harry’s. It takes a while for Harry to learn his rhythm and once he does, it’s delectable.

Slowly, Niall pushes Harry onto the mattress and rolls up his shirt furthermore. His skin is golden in a way that Niall’s can never be, nipples perky and dark pink. Niall detaches his mouth from Harry’s so that he can take a (normal) nipple into his mouth and bite down on it lightly. Harry’s body bucks up and Niall has to keep him pinned down with his knees, hands curls around the wrists.

“Niall,” Harry’s voice is so broken and airy, like he’s been fucked already.

“Yeah?” Niall laps at Harry’s other nipple.

“Need . . . more,” he admits shyly.

“Where?” he pinches at a smaller nipple and licks at Harry’s breast bone in feather-light, taunting strokes.

“Everywhere,” Harry pants. His pupils are blown wide, the black of it swallowing nearly all of his enchanting green eyes.

Niall reaches down and ghosts his hand over the bulge of Harry’s skinny jeans that he must have gotten from a chick’s store. “Everywhere?” he confirms. Harry nods, eyes so wide and trusting.

He unbuckles Harry’s belt and undoes his fly in a heartbeat. Just as he slips his hand inside of Harry’s boxers, he lets the memory around them shatter. Fragments of the memory-world scatter and fall like ash.

“You are so gullible. No challenge at all,” Niall comments, pretending to flick dust off his shoulder. Harry’s eyes are filling up with tears, making the most vulnerable face that Niall has seen on him yet. “I know that you’ll never remember me but come on. Pathetic.” Niall still has Harry pinned beneath him, shirt halfway off and jeans in a similar state. “You don’t even realise that they’ve got you cooped up in a hospital because of me!”

Harry blinks slowly, as if trying to comprehend what Niall is saying. The look in his eyes makes it clear that he doesn’t fully get what Niall is saying. “What?”

Niall shakes his head. He shuffles off of Harry’s body and stands up. “Whatever. Go back. I’ve no interest in you anymore.”

Except, it’s not as easy as that. Because Niall is a part of Harry’s consciousness, Harry has more control over the spaces between them, if he puts his mind to it that is. Harry remains in his previous position, continuing to stare up into the nothingness above them.

“What’s happened to me?” Harry asks, voice gone soft like the whisper of a wind.

“ _I_ happened,” Niall yells. “I’ve been a part of you from the beginning and it wasn’t until about a year ago that my presence was strong enough to make you see me. By that I mean hallucinations. You were an aspiring writer, the one who took classical fairy tales and gave them a dark twist. Quite talented at it, if I may add. I had enough influence over you so that each of the male villain or the hero bore some resemblance to me. Don’t ask me how I sound Irish ‘cause I still don’t know the answer to that.

“You remember psychology, yeah? Freud thought that a personality consisted of three parts: ego, super-ego, and id. Ego is the reason and rationale, the one who stays in control most of the time. Super-ego is the restraint and morals, the part that governs your actions and behaviours to make sure that you aren’t a deviant. I am id, the basic instincts and desires deep down. Usually, I’m kept down by you but not anymore. In your subconscious, baby, I’m your king.”

“But what about Zayn? Liam and Louis?” Harry asks, desperation creeping into his voice. Lovely.

“They were glad to see you gone. Well, they were reluctant to send you off to America but you lashing out and gouging out some skin on Liam’s forearm surely did the trick. To be fair, you thought that he was me and trying to coax you into more fuckery.”

Niall tilts up Harry’s chin so that they can see eye-to-eye. To his delight, Harry slaps his hand away. It stings, but only for a few seconds.

“Do you know how utterly boring it is to watch life unravel right before your eyes whilst you are powerless to do anything?” Niall whispers. “To be trapped inside a body that doesn’t fully belong to you and idly observe, that’s all you’re good for. It took a lot of time and effort for me to get to where we are now and there’s no way in hell that I’m letting those docs get in the way of that. I’m not done with you, darlin’.”

Niall darts in again, only to be pushed away by Harry. “What’s the matter? Is my face not doing it for you anymore?” Niall snickers. “Pity, because I seem to remember how you used to melt under my touch.”

“You’re a sick psychopath,” Harry grits out. “I remember parts of it. All of the villains in my stories . . . they were even worse than the original versions, and believe me my research on those fairy tales were thorough. I wrote you as someone with no regards for human life, someone who only seeks thrill and joy through someone else’s pain. Of course I don’t want you touching me!”

“I’m hurt,” Niall pouts. “No matter. Soon, you’ll be waking up screaming your head off and you’ll have forgotten about me. It’s like pressing a reset button. Quite convenient, although it’s the opposite for you. Every night I get to mess around in your head in return, all I ask is a semblance of a touch. Or have you forgotten already that your body, your heart . . . all of you belongs to me?” He brings up Harry’s palm to his mouth and kisses it, following up with a lick.

It’s such a shame that that’s the precise moment that Harry wakes up, otherwise, Niall would have basked in Harry’s reaction. As predicted, Harry shrieks and the nurses come running in. They check the vitals and inject Harry with a bit of a mild sedative so that he won’t kick anyone in the guts accidentally. Once the sedative sets in, Harry lies on his side, tears falling silently.

He slips out of Harry’s body—figuratively speaking, since it’s only his conscious that is separate from Harry’s—and walks around the small room. The puke greenish grey colour is a mood dampener and the stark white sheets on the bed are nearly blinding. He catches a whiff of bleach from them, gross.

Harry opens his eyes slowly, first not focusing on anything. They dart around the room several times, missing Niall completely. It takes him a few minutes to wake up completely and finally notice Niall sat on the edge of his bed.

“Who are you?” Harry asks, head cocked to the side like a kitten.

“’M Niall,” Niall answers.

“Harry. How’d you get into my flat?”

Oh, so it’s one of those times when he is ‘dreaming’ of being back home. He can work with that.

“Would you believe me if I told you that Louis hired me to give you a lap dance?”

Harry groans, burying his head in his hands. “Then please tell him that his pranks are getting way out of hand now. Why can’t I have normal friends?”

Niall laughs. “Normal is a very subjective word, don’t ya think?”

“Yeah, but most of my friends definitely do not fit into that category. Ask anyone, they’ll tell you I’m insane for putting up with them.”

“It’s cute,” Niall admits. “Show how loyal you are.”

Niall climbs into the bed next to Harry and snuggles up. “I had to work a late night shift. Mind if I doze off for a little while?” He looks up at Harry with round, innocent eyes, eyelashes fluttering for effect. The resulting blush on Harry’s cheeks is satisfactory as he mutters out his assent.

“I like to cuddle,” Niall explains as he wraps his arms and legs around Harry from behind. “Hope you don’t mind being the little spoon.”

Of course, he doesn’t actually fall asleep. But Harry does, and stays asleep for the next couple of hours until the first alarm goes off. It’s the damned marimba tone and Niall wonders why Harry still hasn’t changed the ringtone.

“Ugh,” Harry groans, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. “Oh, I guess I didn’t dream you up then.”

“Yup,” Niall grins. “Your friends are right tits.”

“Hmm, don’t think I’ll mind waking up this way every morning.”

“Slow down, princess. I didn’t make you a fry-up or anything. I think I could manage scrambled eggs without burning the entire building down but we shall see.”

In the end, Niall does cook Harry scrambled eggs and microwaves some bacon. There is some bread that’s one day past its expiry date so Niall supposes it should be fine after going through the toaster. He didn’t see any fungi on it, so.

“Dammit, I was hoping you’d be naked except for a cute apron,” Harry grouses.

Niall sticks his tongue. “In your wildest dreams, Curly.”

“Mm I love it when you say it like that.”

“Me Irish charms have never failed me,” Niall smirks. He forks up a strip of bacon and feeds it to Harry. Harry looks like a bloody baby rabbit as he bites it off and chews carefully. “I thought you had classes.”

“Yeah. In—shit! I have twenty minutes to take the tube there. You distracted me!”

Niall guffaws. “Maybe we should do this again on a weekend. I’ll give you a ring, yeah?”

Harry is already in his bedroom, throwing his school stuff into a knapsack. “Yup. Definitely.”

 

 

-

 

 

Next time Niall gets to see Harry lucid enough for a chit-chat is a month later. Earlier that week. Harry’s friends and family from England had flown over for a visit. Harry recognised them for a minute but then he kept alternating between hysterics and a sane conversation.

“Hi,” he chirps, popping into Harry’s view.

“ _You_ ,” Harry growls, and Niall grins smugly. He prefers it when Harry remembers him.

Ignoring Harry’s protestations, Niall leans in and kisses Harry’s pillowy, red lips. He is forced to pull back when pain stings from his lips. When he swipes his thumble across it, it comes away smeared with blood.

“Such an enthusiastic welcome. I’ll take it that you missed me.”

“Go away, you’re not real,” Harry covers his ears and whispers.

Niall covers Harry’s hands with his own and gently pushes them down. “Reality is what you make of it. And clearly, your version of reality includes me.”

He kisses Harry again, this time above his brow. “Don’t be afraid. We’ll be together. Isn’t that what you’ve always wanted: to never be alone?”

Harry is shaking slightly, so Niall climbs into the bed and drapes his body over his.

“Not like this,” Harry’s voice is hoarse as though he’s swallowed sand.

“Maybe not right now but you’ll come to see the light in this,” Niall croons, stroking Harry’s hair. It works like magic and Harry relaxes in his embrace. “You’ll see.”

And by the time he is done with Harry, there will nothing left of ‘Harry’. Instead, Niall will be in his place, parading as the miraculously cured Harry.

This should be fun.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> November 2015: I just got an idea for the finale to this series *evil laughter*


End file.
